I hated them all. . . One, two, three, four. . .
Forty? All forty of them, my classmates. They didn't know me. They didn't know
my struggles. I knew they loved me and that was the very reason I hated them. I
was once the sixteen year old girl sinking into depression. Not the kind of
depression you go through just before the exams when the realization that the
syllabus is huge and days too few hits you. This was raw depression, the kind
that bullies you into believing that you're not worth living. It wedged its way
into my life and shamelessly hung around me, as infinite as universe. It clung
to me, stubborn, and made its presence felt every time I begged for happiness.
It gnawed at my self esteem.
The story began during my high school days when I
was diagnosed with a much stigmatized chronic illness. I had to gulp down
pills. Pills of all colors, in huge quantities. Depressing. Yet, I forced them
down my throat because I wanted to live. But life for me came at a loss. I
suffered from its side effects; losing my hair, feeling nauseated all through
the day, turning pale, having problems swallowing food and yet I endured them
all. The school was kind enough not to reprimand me for my perpetual absence. I
would put on a mask of being 'okay' and go to school once in a while. My friends,
teachers, even my own parents had no idea of what I was struggling with. After
a day of pretense, I would get back home, hoping to find that 'something' which
was missing from my life. All my teachers would help me, all but one teacher-
bullying me in so many ways that I started slipping into depression. I knew I
would fail in my last school exam. The so called 'career- deciding year' had
been rendered dark for me. Parents and relatives suggested dropping the year.
But I decided against it.
I started suffering from anxiety too. Anxiety of not being
accepted back in my peer group. . . The anxiety of being alienated. This
anxiety increased the intensity of my depression because I myself was conforming
to my anxious thoughts- sitting all alone on the corner most desk, staying
quiet, not interacting much with my classmates and so forth. When a chirpy girl
suddenly falls silent, there's something wrong with her. But, people didn't
seem to notice. And I don't blame them. When you hide from people, how would
they know a thing? Depression started getting severe. I hated all things I
liked. I had insomniac nights, mornings would be greeted with wet pillows and
my days would be spent lying on the bed, heavy with nausea. On one of those
sleepless nights, I decided life wasn't worth living. Things weren't going to
be okay. Nothing would be okay and yes. . . I decided to end things with a
close of my eyes, just as easy as that. I wanted to fall into the abyss of
nothingness. . . Wanted to feel the distance between my terrace and gravity. .
. Not much I knew. But, I was sure it'd be better than my life. Just before I
could proceed further, I could see life behind me. It was pulling me back. And
it looked so beautiful! The fall was definitely tempting but life looked
rewarding. And I chose the reward, shunned the temptation. I already felt
better! I felt more human!
Back in school, I was again the lonely one. And a
miracle happened! One of my teachers, noticing me in class came to me and
silently whispered in my ear "you are not the girl I know. Meet me
today." And that changed me. After crying my heart out in front of her, I
felt absolutely calm and the storm that had been raging inside me for what seemed like ages suddenly died. Those waves that kept
shouting “worthless” stopped crashing on a heart that had almost given up. And
I was back to being me! I cut my hair short, tried sitting on the last bench,
enjoyed the canteen food and chatted endlessly with my best friend. . . Life
had so much to offer. Just that I had gone blind to it. Soon afterwards board
results were declared and well. . . My parents were proud of me!
That phase of
my life taught me a valuable lesson- life cannot be valued if you succumb to
the challenges it presents. Every challenge is a test of your courage to endure
life in its meanest, cruelest form. And the winner is the one who looks it into
the face and cries out "Test me more, I won't fail."
